The impact of favoritism on children

Favoritism can have lifelong effects on children. By definition, favoritism is to show inordinate attention, give special privileges, or give less discipline to one child over another.  It is not favoritism, however, if one child’s behavior causes them to lose a privilege while another child’s compliant behavior allows them to retain a privilege as long as the rules are consistent for both. 

Children often will struggle with depression, anxiety, low self-worth, performance issues, and even suicidal thoughts as a result of favoritism. Many times a child might be favored because of their gender or being the “firstborn” or “baby” of the family. In blended families, there is often a difference made between biological and stepchildren. Sometimes, certain children are easier and more compliant and therefore favored. Whatever the reason, all favoritism is destructive to the psychological development of a child. 

What many fail to realize is that the favored child is also harmed. They often have trouble in future relationships by creating dependency and an inordinate desire to be liked or accepted. 

What can we do?

Awareness -The number one thing we can do in our families is to be self-aware. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about all your children. If you find that you have feelings of favoritism, awareness can prevent you from allowing these feelings to cause you to treat children differently. 

Watch your words – Listen to what you say. Don’t compare children. “Daddy’s girl” “Mommy’s boy” can become unhealthy alliances if other children are left out. 

Strive for Equal – Make gifts, privileges, time with parents, responsibilities, and discipline as consistent as possible for all children. 

Our children have basic emotional needs that must be met. Favoritism destroys one of those very important basic needs, the need for validation as someone who matters.