The damage of defensiveness
The purpose of defensiveness is to protect yourself against criticism by others.
Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Usually people become defensive when they feel they are being criticized and attempt to launch a counterattack.
We’ve all been defensive from time to time and it makes sense to feel the urge to put up a defense when being criticized. However, it rarely works in our favor to reduce conflict or solve issues and often escalates and perpetuates problems. Defensiveness does not allow us the opportunity to take ownership of our actions and behaviors.
Examples of Defensiveness:
Denying Responsibility - “It’s not my fault”
Making Excuses - “I can’t help it”
Cross-complaining - “Oh yeah? Well you never listen.”
Yes-butting - “Yeah, but…”
Whining - “You’re always picking on me”
What is the solution to defensiveness? Accepting responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy interactions, people don’t get defensive when discussing an area of conflict. By calmly trying to take responsibility in your role, you express an interest and concern for the other party's feelings. Consider what your overall goal is in your interaction. Give thought to the real problem underlying the conflict.
If you or someone you know is healing and looking to move forward with less defensiveness or learn how to deal with defensiveness, the professionals at Counseling and Wellness Center are here to help. Call us at the Counseling and Wellness Center, located in Parkersburg or Belpre, and one of our trained professionals would love to help you out.
