Management of Behaviors Without the "I Have to Punish You" Mentality

Temper tantrums, meltdowns and being argumentative; my child just hates me and wants to do everything within their willpower to make me miserable.

So, we resolve to spank, take their electronics, ground them to their room, and "teach" them a lesson. After all, at least, we think that will teach them.

But, is it really true? Is my child really wanting to get their way with their behavior?

What if I told you that ALL behavior is a form of communication? You might laugh and say, "Communicate what?" To which I would respond with, "the behaviors are communicating that the child is saying "I don't have the skills or ability to respond, so I act it out so you can see/hear what I have to say".

When we immediately go to corrective measures, rather than teachable methods, we reinforce the idea that "I don't have time to respond, so I'll react" only reinforcing the negative behavior and thus directly impacting the future ability for the child to learn ways to respond appropriately.

In order to prevent future behaviors, it is important to teach your child ways to respond appropriately.

Think about this. If every time my child has a meltdown and I send them to their bedroom, it will do one of two things:

1. Cause the child to shut off their emotions, through repression, which we will eventually see come out in aggression (or other forms of behavior). Or,

2. Reinforce the idea that I am unavailable for my child during heightened states of emotions, only causing a significant increase in behavior, and more drastic measures, to get our attention. 

So, by reacting, instead of responding, we actually end up either repressing or increasing the behaviors which both lead to negative consequences.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying age-appropriate consequences are not okay. I'm saying, if we truly want our child's behavior to change, correction through re-direction is the option to go to. 

So, you may be asking, "What are my options?"

1. Do not punish the child, or give consequences, during an emotional response (of ours or the child's). 

Sometimes we punish because our brain/body is just as dysregulated as our child's brain/body and we might not have time to correct. So, when we feel confused and overwhelmed, we hand out a punishment thinking that will stop the behavior and teach a lesson.

2. Ask yourself if there's something in the environment that might have contributed to the child's state of dysregulation.

3. Let your child know "I see you". 

When a child is in a heightened state of emotion, it's important for them to SEE and HEAR you say, "I see you. I'm with you". It's one thing to hear it...but, another to see it. How does this happen? Start by getting on the child's level. Say, "I notice you're feeling ____________ (ex., frustrated). It must feel confusing when there are so many choices". Of course, that doesn't fit every situation. But, I believe you get the picture. Get on your child's level. 

4. Coregulation. Coregulation. Coregulation. 

Breathe with them. Ask them if they need a hug. Sit with them on the floor. Do coping skills with them. Be patient. Work through the behavior with the child at their pace. Once the emotion has lowered, ask them, "How can I help you?" Let them be the expert.

5. You do not have to feel like you have to give a punishment or consequence for every behavior. The best prevention works by saying, "I'm here to work through this with you. Next time, let's try ____________" (ex., using a code word to be more aware of how I'm reacting). 

6. Work with your child by increasing interoceptive (understanding what's happening inside the body with emotions/internal reactions) awareness. 

A good example of this is to exercise vigorously for five minutes and then scan the body. You'll notice you're sweating, breathing heavy, heart racing, etc. This is interoceptive awareness. Before a child has a meltdown, there are also warning signs that can be discovered through interoceptive awareness (ex., becoming irritable, increasingly argumentative, fidgeting, covering ears, etc). Understanding these signs can be beneficial in reduction of behaviors. 

7. Always ask yourself, "What is this behavior trying to communicate to me?"

8. Work with your child's counselor on tips and tools to manage behaviors.

Your counselor is trained to help you identify patterns of behaviors and learn ways to effectively manage them. 

So, next time before you say, "Get to your room" or "no electronics", try understanding things from the child's behavior, seeking to understand what the behavior is communicating, and coregulating with your child. 

If you have further questions regarding management of behaviors, or you're looking for children's counseling, call Counseling and Wellness Center to schedule a consultation or intake to see how we can best meet your needs!