Linda J. Stockton, MA, LPC Licensed Professional Counselor Linda has a Master's Degree in Counseling and has completed concentrated coursework in marriage and family counseling. Linda is passionate about helping engaged and married/remarried couples improve the quality of their relationships. She also treats a wide range of mental health issues, including but not limited to depression, anxiety, abuse, and life transitions. Linda provides education and counseling services for children (age ten and up), teens, individual adults, couples, and families. She is also available for seminars.

“Just Friends” or Inappropriate Relationship: When Does It Become Infidelity? Trust is a foundational element of a healthy and securely attached relationship, yet we’ve been inundated recently with media coverage of high-profile breaches of trust in the way of adultery and “emotional affairs” by celebrities, athletes, and political figures. Knowing that the stakes are so high (potentially the annihilation of the relationship to name just one), how is it that someone (famous or not) crosses over that line to behave in an untrustworthy manner? Acts of adultery or infidelity, as well as emotional affairs, do not “just happen,” contrary to the claims of the wayward! Rather, they are the product of one or more decisions in which a person either naively or intentionally fails to honor and protect appropriate emotional and/or physical boundaries. When one oversteps an emotional boundary that serves to safeguard the relationship, that person has taken the first step onto the slippery slope leading to emotional and eventually sexual infidelity. A book on this subject that I highly recommend is “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,”, by Shirley P. Glass, Ph. D. with Jean Choppock Staeheli. This book clearly identifies specific behaviors or indicators signaling the shift from being “just (platonic) friends” to something more. Three “red flags” that point to one being on the verge of, or engaged in infidelity: emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistry or activity with someone other than one’s partner. As a matter of note, the movie/DVD, “Fireproof”, does an excellent job of portraying this shift from “just friends” to something more. One of the things I like best about the book is that it contains several quizzes that help one determine if one’s relationship boundaries are at risk of being, or indeed have been, trespassed. For those who want to proactively safeguard their relationship, each question could be reframed to form a statement that identifies a necessary boundary. For example: “Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?” becomes “Don’t confide more to your friend than to your partner…” Another example: “Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?” becomes “Don’t touch your friend differently when you’re alone…” “Financial infidelity” is a relatively new term that addresses breaches of trust involving shared finances or assets. While the book doesn’t specifically address this form of infidelity, I believe many of the same principles and boundaries can be applied. Secrecy and lies (of commission and/or omission) are a couple of the “red flags” for this breach of trust. For those who have been a casualty of infidelity, as well as those who breached their partner’s trust, “Not Just Friends” can help them understand what occurred and it provides strategies for rebuilding trust. It is my sincerest hope that many can be spared the trauma of infidelity by reading the book before one foot is on the slippery slope to learn how to avert it altogether. _________________________________________ How to Apologize So They Know You Mean It Have you ever had this experience? You did something wrong, thought you had sincerely apologized for it, but the offended party couldn't accept your apology because he or she didn't interpret your apology as sincere enough? Clearly communication misfired somehow--but how? According to Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, authors of "The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships" the reason could be that, in effect, the two of you speak different apology languages. Through their research, Chapman and Thomas identified five key components of an effective apology. Here they are along with an example phrase: Expressing Regret "I am sorry." Accepting Responsibility "I was wrong." Making Restitution "What can I do to make it right?" Genuinely Repenting "I'll try not to do that again." Requesting Forgiveness "Will you please forgive me?" Apologies seem to fall on deaf ears when the wrongdoer apologizes using his or her meaningful components, but fails to use those components most important or meaningful to the offended party. Check it out. Talk with your partner. Does he or she literally need to hear phrases like, "Will you please forgive me?" (requesting forgiveness) when you've messed up? Or does simply saying, "I'm sorry," (expressing regret) suffice? Reflect on your own habits. Are you like Fonzie on the old sitcom Happy Days, who couldn't say the words, "I was w-w-w-wr-wr-wr-wro" (accepting responsibility)? Do you fall short in expressing your willingness to do what it takes to make things right again (making restitution)? The concept of making effective apologies can be applied to business, too. Chapman and Thomas report that some companies are training their customer service employees or wait staff to include all five components when resolving a complaint to ensure customer satisfaction. Next time you get in a little hot water, try using each of the five components when making your apology and see what a difference it makes. Take Care! Linda J. Stockton, MA Licensed Professional Counselor Email Linda J. Stockton, MA, LPC       Because messages sent on the internet are never totally secure, and are not necessarily read the same day they’re sent, our Email feature is not intended for therapy, but for sharing information on mental health issues, or about our practice. If you wish to share information that is either confidential or urgent, call us at (304)422-4300 or 1-800-841-7876, so that someone can speak with you privately.